Month: August 2018

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good morning I just woke up obsessed with the idea of a movie filmed in the style of a true crime documentary except it’s in the Twilight universe and a bunch of completely ordinary humans are trying to figure out why Bella effectively disappeared after high school without knowing anything about vampires

let’s review the Facts of the Case as far as anyone who’s not in on the secret knows them

• super normal teenage girl moves to small town
• becomes obsessed with a guy who by all appearances is in a cult
• the incident where they dramatically broke up and Bella tried to go back to Phoenix but Edward followed her and they got back together but also Bella’s leg got mysteriously broken
• another dramatic breakup and this time the entire family skips town leaving Bella catatonically depressed
• sudden trip to Italy??? and then the entire family comes back???
• Whatever Happened In Eclipse I Don’t Remember 
• Bella marries boyfriend of approx. a year and a half, goes away on an exotic vacation and immediately contracts a life threatening disease
• is rarely seen in public again until her mysterious death, which if I’m remembering correctly is a thing?? because Bella was pretty sure her mom wouldn’t be able to handle the vampire thing and that they were going to have to fake a death which is!! fucked UP
• also apparently the Cullens haven’t ever bothered with, like, changing their names, so if anyone goes poking around they’re easily going to discover a family of seven rich weirdos moving around various overcast cities together for at least a century 
• tell me you wouldn’t watch this shit 

highlights:

• generic Missing White Woman opening that rapidly spirals into interviews Bella’s hilarious tacky high school classmates talking shit about the Cullens (Mike Newton’s Time To Shine)
• Charlie (who Knows) uncomfortably lying to the camera about how of course he’s Very Sad about all of this and misses his daughter a whole lot. the crew immediately begins speculating about Charlie’s involvement.
• a few scenes shot in Italy. the voice over concludes that there are no clues to be found there while a Volturi member hovers very obviously in the background for the audience’s enjoyment 
• testimonies about Carlisle’s character that end with the interviewee getting distracted thinking how hot he was, including Charlie 
• a segment trying to figure out what the Fuck Jacob’s involvement is followed by a montage of werewolves slamming their front doors in the crew’s faces
• a brief mention of the murder spree that happened in Seattle during Bella’s senior year but quickly shrugging it off as DEFINITELY unrelated to any of this 
• trying to dig into where the Cullens lived before Forks and quickly realizing that None Of These Children Existed Before the Age of Seventeen
• briefly toying with a kidnapping scenario before stumbling onto a record of the Cullens in some other town that’s JUST old enough to be inconsistent with the ages they were supposed to be in Forks
• “wait I think all the kids were actually in their twenties, maybe?”
• “wait what the fUCK?”

bold of you to assume that it would be Mike talking shit about Bella and not Jessica, because let’s be honest here, wasn’t that boy compared to a golden retriever at some point in that book? he would talk shit about anyone (save maybe for Ben while they were still fighting for Bella’s attention) and Jessica was, well, Jessica.

actually I don’t think it’s a stretch, at all.

I don’t think Mike ever liked the Cullens; he was specifically jealous of Edward because of Bella’s interest in him, but I didn’t get the sense he cared for any of them very much. plus, you know, there’s that thing where people love to act like they always knew someone was No Good™ once that person is placed under suspicion. Mike, especially a few years down the road, would be more than happy to puff himself up and act like he always sensed something Wrong with Edward. 

Jessica, on the other hand, is painted as an attention seeker who mostly uses Bella for attention from other’s, so she’d be MORE than happy to cry big public tears about how much she loved poor Bella and how they were BEST friends and how SAD it all is.

This seems more interesting than the source material.

that’s honestly what I really love about Twilight

the mythology is Wild and most of the cast are actually pretty interesting as characters, but the books get so bogged down in The Romance that a lot of potential goes untapped, which makes for bad reading but an incredible sandbox to play in if you’re a fan