“Maybe you could fight the Mark for years, maybe centuries like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever, and when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I’m the one who’ll have to watch you murder the world.”
Male Writer: Ah, anniversary jokes are so funny. Because chicks always hate it when you don’t remember anniversaries! A plus gold very original
Male Writer: Mother in laws amirite?
Male Writer: My male character who is an author insert of myself pines after a woman I used to pine after in high school. Then they have sex. This is good literature.
Male Writer: Ugh female books are so romance filled
Male Writer: And girl fanfics, so mary suey
Male Writer: Now listen about this original middle aged man who is an expert in everything, suffers from ennui, looks like me, acts like me, and gets all the girls i want.
Male Writer: She was sexy in an alluring, boring way, filled with purple prose and riddled with objectification
Male Writer: If i make a female character parrot my misogynistic views, they cease to be misogynistic! Are you saying you don’t respect my fake female characters opinions, feminists?
Male Writer: a good action girl is one who looks hot at all times
Male Writer: If the female main character got in an asskicking line, my work is Feminist with a capital F and no one can criticize me
Specifically White Male Writer: Heroic tropes are so overdone. I’m going to create a boring white guy with stubble to be a completely original antihero no one has ever seen before TM.
Same Guy: It’s original because he is a jerk who gets away with bad behavior, just like I wish i could.
Another Specifically White Male Writer: It’s in my universe to only have white men do things in my book. I mean, don’t you care about historical accuracy
Same Guy: I mean, it’s a generic fantasy verse with no real life time period equivalent and i haven’t done any research, but i’m SURE that it’s historically accurate. To that dark mideval dragon fighting europe period
Same Guy: Where in Europe? Who cares!
Male Writer: There is no better way to introduce a female character to a male character than by him saving her.
Male Writer: Characters hating each other is good sexual tension!
Male Writer: One female character and five male characters is a good team balance
Male Writer: If my female character chooses to act in a sexist tropey way, it’s not sexist. In fact, because she CHOSE to do it, it is Feminist.
Male Writer: I am original
If you adjust for superpowers Sam Wilson is inch for inch and pound for pound the strongest and most agile of the team. The reason he hasn’t been experimented on is because he already has like 800lbs of pure awesome.
I mean try it your damn self. Do a plank for two minutes.
Ok, did you do it?
Did you not because your core muscles clenched in fear? I know mine did.
You have the assistance of the earth to hold you up, meanwhile Sam is in a constant state of plank going like eighty miles an hour in the sky against all kinds of wind conditions and shit.
But SAM MOTHAFUCKING WILSON is like no I am a graceful torpedo.
ALSO WHO THE FUCK CAN HOLD STEVEN GRANT ROGERS (6′1″, 200lbs) IN ONE HAND and drag him along through the air mind you LIKE I TRIED TO PICK UP MY EIGHTY POUND DOG IN BOTH HANDS AND I THINK I PULLED SOMETHING.
Does this man just casually bench 400lbs on arm day? Does his bicep curl move the entire machine???? WHAT KIND OF MAINTENANCE REGIMEN DOES HE HAVE?
I feel like Sam does body weight workouts on all the DC light poles he can find like man I gotta take the ferry somewhere, better get my workout on.
Ugh CAN U IMAGINE
HE PROBABLY DOES LIKE TWELVE MINUTES OF EACH POSE EVERY DAY
THere’s probably an instagram account of the mysterious DC planker with like 7million dudebros following trying to figure out which protein he takes.
The wings are a fucking jet pack there is no way you can convince me they’re anything less than 50 lbs of dead weight deactivated, and then over 300lbs of torque strapped ten inches from his asshole. He’s just casually maneuvering this shit without getting thrown are yOU KIDDING.
I feel that Tony would be a far second because he moves his equipment around all the time, therefore has big arms, but I also feel like Tony is the kind of man to not know his macros and who never learned to lift with his goddamn legs and therefore has injured himself countless times until Rhodey forced him to build lifter bots.
AS A FOLLOW UP HE PROBABLY RECREATES THIS VIDEO BUT WITH STEVE
I made these as a present for my sister: Hijinks from the cats we adopted years ago. Some of them are a little in-jokey but I bet any cat owner has seen at least a few of these!
that day when she’s inevitably like “how do you say ‘i love you’ in russian” and they’re both like ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I see your fluff and raise you Illya Kuryakin being Mostest Serious Linguistics Teacher ever, until Gaby kicks off her shoes and cuddles up next to him and whispers, “how do you say [INSERT NAUGHTY THING HERE] in Russian, professor?” And Illya turns the MOST BEAUTIFUL shade of red and says, “we have not learned advanced grammar for that.” And he feels that a pants crisis has been averted until Gaby tosses her hair and says fine, I”ll go ask Napoleon.
I imagine insurance companies in Gotham can’t cover destruction from all villains, so they have plans called things like “Pick 4″. And you pick 4 villains to be covered in your policy. Kinda like putting your chips on certain squares in roulette. And of course there are plans like “Pick 5″ for more money.
And much like roulette, it becomes a bet on which villains are gonna fuck shit up that year. “Honey, remind me to call up the insurance company and take The Riddler off our policy. He’s been pretty quiet and Halloween’s coming up so I’d like to put Scarecrow back on there.”
kototyph 