Crayfish (crawfish, crawdads) are oddly dear to my soul – the crawfish doesn’t have to know you to hate you, you exist, and that’s plenty. This is absolutely the most equable kind of loathing, too, a crawfish is content to hate curious cats, hungry raccoons, human children, and being washed by floodwater into the middle of a parking lot with absolute equanimity.
Very late one night in the parking lot of a Food Lion a bit of trash at shoelace level said FIGHT ME. This turned out to be a displaced crawfish, wandering amongst empty packets of USA Golds and Mello Yello bottles, just wishing a mother fucker would start something. I picked it up and walked it (it yelling obscene gerunds the entire time) back to its probable home in the marshy bit off the side of the parking lot. I gave it a good toss (“Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight meeeeeeeeeeeeeee”) and it landed with a plip amongst the invisible noisy frogs, which love everyone, but especially you.
Don’t fight a crayfish, is what I’m saying, but help one out if you get a chance, they know a guy who knows a guy.
• OUT / OF / TIME (an instrumental mix for survival space horrors)
I have reached these lands but newly From an ultimate dim Thule— From a wild clime that lieth, sublime, Out of SPACE— out of TIME.
—Edgar Allan Poe
It is not the unknown dark out of your vessel’s window. Instead, it is here, inside: a place where you had gone alone. But something skitters overhead, and there is a shadow that drips behind yours. No one can say what would be left in the aftermath, but you know: you had let go.
San Andreas Deer Cam is a live video stream from a computer running a hacked version of Grand Theft Auto V, hosted on Twitch.tv.
The hack creates a deer and follows it as it wanders throughout the 100 square miles of San Andreas, a fictional state in GTA V based on California. The deer has been programmed to control itself and make its own decisions, with no one actually playing the video game. The deer is ‘playing itself’, with all activity unscripted… and unexpected.
In the past 48 hours, the deer has wandered along a moonlit beach, caused a traffic jam on a major freeway, been caught in a gangland gun battle, and been chased by the police.
For more information about the San Andreas Deer Cam project, click here.
Update: the deer has walked underwater, held up traffic, got invited to social media by an NPC, shoved its way back and forth across a waterfront, teleported into a military base and taken multiple gunshot wounds without injury.
Somehow in its wandering around the base, a jet blew up and a tank caught fire. All of it by soldiers missing their target.
Ok so we all know that the answer to “Where did Captain America learn to
steal a car?” is “Nazi Germany” but I think the more pressing question
here is when the fuck did this complete maniac get a driver’s license
Because ok, Mighty Mouse 1.0 is too poor to own a car, too short to
reach the pedals, has vision problems, and is a goddamn New Yorker in the motherfucking 1930s, why on earth would he ever have learned to drive?
So this little bastard can’t even tell the gas from the brakes, he gets
all beefified, he goes on tour with the USO. Unless one of the showgirls
coached him through stalling out a car all over some Hollywood back
lot, he still can’t drive. He goes to Europe. At some point, some genius
looks at him and thinks “this strapping specimen of American hunkhood
obviously knows his way around a vehicle, let’s give him a motorcycle,”
and Steve “no parachute” Rogers is like “how hard could this be?” and
promptly wraps himself around approximately eight trees at the same time.
So then he’s kickin’ ass, fightin’ Hydra, and it’s just months of Bucky being like
“give me the goddamn keys, Steven,” and Dum Dum and Morita endlessly
encouraging his fucking insane Fury Road bullshit, like the Howling Commandos just use “grenade” as code for “Rogers” when they’re reporting
why yet another truck has been destroyed beyond recognition. Yes, sir, another grenade, I agree, sir, it’s very odd that we keep losing vehicles in the same way, that’s the third this month alone
So then he’s in the future and SHIELD is sorting his shit out, and
they’re not going to force Captain goddamn America to wait in line at
the DMV, they’re all in complete awe in him and they’ve seen the old
reels of him on his bike, so when they issue him his driver’s license without any type of road test
they go ahead and give him a motorcycle license too
and steve is like …neat.
Ok so then Bucky is back, shit is settled down, everyone’s heading
somewhere and Steve gets in the driver’s seat and Buck’s like WHOA WHOA
WHOA are you people out of your goddamn minds?! Why is Steve driving, is
this some kind of mission, are we heading into a combat zone, is the
plan for the vehicle to get blown up?? GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS STEVEN
And Sam is all “what are you talking about, Steve’s a great driver, I saw him jump his bike over a car once”
And Buck is all “yes but have you seen him use a turn signal?”
And Steve’s like, “Listen, we never needed to ‘signal’ our ‘turns’ in Nazi Germany.”
And after that Bucky always drives.
Fin.
okay but
this is basically how just about everyone in the us army in ww2 learned to drive
most infantrymen didn’t receive any instruction in vehicle use, but during ww2 they shipped about half a million jeeps overseas. most of them got used by logistics units and a lot got shipped to russia, but there were still so dang many of them that they would hand them to just about anyone who could have an excuse to use one.
gotta run a message? here’s a jeep. running gear up the line? take a jeep. got a 24 hour pass? just bring this jeep back safe, will you? you’re a cartoonist? here’s your own jeep. they handed them out like candy to everyone.
it wasn’t unreasonable on the face of it because the us was a car culture basically from the minute the car was invented, so most rural kids knew how to drive already. but tons of them didn’t, and at some point they’d almost certainly end up behind the wheel of a jeep.
as a result, accidents were hilariously common.
they pretty much assumed everyone knew how to drive based on the exact same logic used in this post. it was only after the war that somebody sat down and was like, yo, maybe we should make sure these kids know what a car is before we let them drive them.
kototyph 