“villain attempts to go back in time to kill superman as a small child, gets shot in the face by ma kent, who buries him behind the barn with the others” would probably have niche appeal as a comic but i don’t care, i want it
The first time a man from the future showed up at Martha Kent’s house, Clark Kent was two years old.
According to his birth certificate, anyway. She just kind of accepted that the details were a little fudged. Relativity, and all.
Maybe the stranger would have succeeded in whatever it was he wanted to do, except that he really did just show up. Appeared, like a ghost made flesh, right in the backyard. Clark, thank goodness, was out in the fields with Johnathan. He couldn’t bear to be alone, that boy, and they could never bear to leave him.
Which left Martha free to shoot the ghostly intruder in the face.
Martha had not always considered herself a shoot first, ask questions later sort of a person. But that was before she found a baby in a spaceship where her corn was supposed to be.
They’d switch off, Johnathan and her, who got Clark and who got the shotgun. Martha got the shotgun more often than not. Guns made her husband uncomfortable. She was hardly a fan, but she’d always been a terrible pacifist. Too determined to defend herself.
The sight of all that blood and brain and bone was still nauseating. She compartmentalized, told herself it was no different from slaughtering a cow; didn’t think about riot gear or tear gas or the friends she’d lost or all the things she’d moved away from when her heart couldn’t take it any longer. This was different. This was her son.
She prodded the corpse with her foot. It remained a corpse. A real nasty looking corpse, all big and burly and holding a gun much too large. She didn’t like making assumptions based on appearances, but she didn’t imagine he’d been coming for anything nice. She bent down to search his pockets, found a metal wallet and flipped it open.
Born 2018.
Well, hell. Wasn’t that just a kick in the pants?
Probably she ought to have been a bit more unsettled than she was. But she’d been waiting two years for someone to show up on her doorstep, men in black or UFOs or something. Hell, she’d half expected her sweet little boy to hatch into something worse.
Just because she brought home space babies didn’t mean she was a damn fool.
Johnathan had rejoined her in long strides, was holding Clark in such a way that he couldn’t see the corpse on the ground. “Well, shit,” he said.
“Eyup,” Martha agreed.
“Don’t look government.”
“Nope.”
“We burying him?”
“I’ll bury him,” Martha said, standing up. “You get Clark inside and read him a book or something. I don’t want him seeing any of this, getting him messed up in the head.”
“You sure? Looks heavy.”
“That’s why we have a wheelbarrow. I’ll stick him out behind the barn, might as well keep all our secrets in one place.”
Martha had a long time to think as she dug a time traveler’s grave. There were a lot of reasons someone might travel back in time trying to kill her kid. The first was her instinct as a mother, which was: he was a fucking asshole. Who killed a kid? Fucking assholes, that was who.
Now, it was also possible that her sweet little boy grew up to be some kind of space Hitler. She didn’t think she’d raise that kind of a kid, but she didn’t suppose there was any parent who set out to raise a Hitler.
Still didn’t sit right with her. She didn’t much like the idea of killing baby Hitler, either.
This is 2/3 of a band called Too Many Zooz (they’re lacking their trumpeter here), the song is called ‘Flightning,’ and the genre is “brass house” (which i think they made up but hey i dig it). They have a handful of songs on Spotify and just successfully Kickstarted their first full-length album.
Reblogging with info! (And also to tell people to watch the whole thing, because the one I saw before was like “woah he just lost it!!!” and I thought that meant when the sax player like scooted in a fast circle with his feet about a minute and a half in, and I was like YEAH that’s really cool – but that was not it, that was not the best part, you have to keep watching to the end. Trust me.)
A lot of people have already noted that the Minions of Minions fame would have inevitably worked for Adolph Hitler if they hadn’t “conveniently” retired to Antarctica from the early 19th century to 1968. But in 1968 there were plenty of Napoleonic figures (mainly dictators) and similarly powerful people who sought to control others in what could be called a “villainous” fashion. Without getting too political, there were a number of world leaders killing hundreds of thousands or even millions of people the same year that the Minions chose Scarlet Overkill, a jewel thief, as Earth’s most villainous leader.
Now, this could easily be dismissed if it weren’t for the precedent that the Minions movie had already set: the Minions’ previous masters include an Egyptian pharaoh, a vampire, and Napoleon himself, all of whom definitely killed a large number of people, directly or indirectly. The Napoleonic wars alone killed between 3.5 million and 6 million people, and at the highest estimate this includes 3 million civilians. Millions of people dead. Because of the Minions.
So was this a strategic error for the sake of a children’s movie’s plot? Perhaps. Am I overanalyzing a movie that isn’t marketed towards me? Who can say. But I have a more elaborate theory, in the same vein as the Tarantino-verse theory which claims all of his movies take place in a more violence prone Alternate Universe formed after the brutal assassination of Hitler by vengeful Jewish-American soldiers.
According to the movie, the Minions retired after the violent death of Napoleon. Napoleon, for those of you who remember high school history class, died of natural causes on the island of Helena. What kind of difference might it make to the world for one of history’s most famous military leaders to die in battle, before thousands of witnesses? Apparently a large one.
But not only did Napoleon die in battle, he was killed by a group of strange yellow creatures. Of course, the immediate reaction to Napoleon’s death would be to ascertain just who these creatures are. Scholars and world leaders would quickly find the Minions scattered throughout history, appearing in hieroglyphics, on cave walls, etc. And every time the Minions appear and choose a new leader, that leader invariably dies. Killed by their own servants.
The minions are not human. They have apparently existed since the beginning of time. Now, what kind of conclusions would the average person draw from this in the 19th century. That the Minions are a form of Divine Intervention, of course. What other possible explanation could explain this phenomenon?
As a result, in a stunning display of the adaptability of the human race, by the end of the 19th century warfare, genocide, and dictatorships had ceased to exist. With confirmation that some higher power would judge and kill any human who dared to force their will over others, world peace was achieved.
By 1968, the power vacuum had been filled by petty thieves and robbers who refer to themselves as “supervillains.” This is a world with events like “Villain-Con” and credited institutions like the Bank of Evil. A world where the greatest ambition of the world’s most despicable villain is to steal the Queen of England’s crown jewels. A world without war.
I haven’t seen any of the movies in this franchise.
I want an inverse spy flick. The spy is a woman. Her whole team is made up of diverse women. All the villains are women. There is only one man in the entire movie and he is a Strong Male Character who is like 25 and decently ripped and has a scene where he slowly steps out of a pool wearing speedos because he is Confident and In Control of His Sexuality. We see his ass when he has to tug down his pants to get at the knife strapped to his thigh. His nipples are always erect for no fucking reason.
They are undercover in a nightclub. In order to keep their cover from being blown, he has to kiss another man.
He knits to relieve stress and to keep his mind sharp. It is never discussed by any of the characters.
Someone asks him how he knows how to do Traditionally Feminine Thing. “I have four sisters,” he answers.
This is also how he knows how to fight while armed with nothing but a purse, a high heel shoe, and a can of hair spray. During this fight, he is, for no apparent reason, shirtless.
The lead spy is Helen Mirren. She nails the Action Boy in the shower. There’s a lot of lingering closeups on the way the shower spray runs across his breathlessly ecstatic face. We also hear every breathless whimper of his climax, while out in the hallway Lucy Liu is smoking impatiently, a duffel bag full of rocket launchers slung over her shoulder. The President isn’t going to kidnap herself, here, christ.
Action Boy emerges in a small towel, sheepish yet radiant. Helen Mirren emerges in a tuxedo, also smoking, also with a duffel bag of rocket launchers.
In one scene, the lead villain captures the Strong Male Character. He is, once more, inexplicably shirtless as she ties him to the chair. He makes some quips about his sexual independence before he is rescued by a sweat-drenched Helen Mirren, who kicks down the door and nukes everyone in the room. Strong Male Character’s hair remains perfect throughout the ordeal.
Strong Male Character is heartlessly slain in front of Helen Mirren’s eyes despite all of his skills and combat prowess. His body slumps to the ground, lifeless but supple. Helen Mirren makes a witty quip at Strong Male Character’s killers before quickly and dramatically slaying them all.
She steals one last glance at Strong Male Character. His beautiful eyes stare back from a handsome face with perfectly tussled hair, lips positioned a if in a gentle sigh. There’s no bringing him back now. Helen Mirren walks away, stronger than before. Strong Male Character’s death has hardened her, but given her the strength and resolve to complete her task.
Roll credits.
An after credits preview clip comes on as a teaser. Helen Mirren with a huge explosion tearing things up behind her walks toward the camera with a new Strong Male Character wearing the tiny, tattered remnants of a burned shirt about his flexing pecs and deltoids, and he is carrying the bag of rocket launchers as he steps in behind her.
So Matt Bomer?
I’m seeing Matt Bomer
and then fandom burns itself to the ground trying to find some guy to slash him with
Nah, Matt Bomer is almost 40. Despite his good looks and great bod, he’s way too old to play the shaggable romantic supporting character to 70-year-old Helen Mirren.
Matt Bomer plays Helen Mirren’s sadder-but-wiser ex, computer-savvy, gorgeous but still single, fiercely independent (but it’s all an act).
Helen Mirren shows up on his doorstep to ask him for one last hacker job, for old time’s sake. Matt hauls off to slap Helen in the face, but Helen catches his wrist, pulls him close, and kisses him long and hard. Matt struggles at first but finally melts into her embrace.
Lucy Liu strolls past them into Matt’s chic apartment, slapping Matt on the ass as she mutters “Some things never change, do they?”
Late the next night, as Matt and Helen hack into the CIA database, Helen tucks a stray lock of Matt’s hair behind his ear and asks him why there’s no husband or kids in the picture after all this time.
Matt turns his sad, beautiful eyes toward her and confesses that there has only ever been Helen for him, but he couldn’t stand never knowing if she would come back alive when she left on a mission. Helen and Matt nearly have a moment, but the computer beeps with the results of their search.
The next morning, Helen goes into the kitchen to find Matt’s 20-year-old nephew has come to stay for the weekend. Helen and the camera slowly pan up and down his gorgeous, toned, oiled-up and glistening body as he stands, nearly-naked but for his tight, black satin booty-short underwear, and starts making a gourmet vegetarian omelet.
He turns around and smiles at Helen. “You must be a friend of Uncle Matt. I’m Caden. You hungry?”
Helen’s eyes drift down to Caden’s bulging crotch. “Oh, I could eat,” she quips.
Helen Mirren and the actor who plays the 20 year old nephew get together in real life. Everyone is delighted by this.
I don’t think financing this would be a problem; distribution probably would. We could hack into the network feed for the Super Bowl, perhaps.
kototyph 