sashayed:

valadilenne:

sashayed:

sashayed:

GREAT QUESTION ABOUT EAGLECREST, THE AMERICAN HOGWARTS. THANKS FOR ASKING! The house system at EAGLECREST differs slightly from that at European wizard schools: students are assigned to a House upon entry, but in acknowledgement of the complexity of human nature and the FREEDOM of AMERICA, each also chooses a Minor or Secondary House at which they spend at least one week per semester. The Houses are as follows.

BLUTHYONCÉ: 

• values: hilarity, sequins
• animal:
• 
• colors: i know i originally said Caribbean Blue and Tangerine but I think actually it’s Hot Pink + Atomic Tangerine
  
• 
• house located in Thomas Jefferson’s “dreamy” left eye, equipped w/ craft supplies and a bar 
• house ghost is Dorothy Parker
• Fun Fact: a bald eagle delivers house copies of Sassy, Vogue Wizard, and J-14 to Bluthyoncé every week. No one knows where the new issues of Sassy come from and no one asks questions. 

JUSTITOPIA: 

• values: determination and fairness
• animal:
•  
• colors: Camo and Hemp
• 
• house is located in Abraham Lincoln’s “problematic” jaw and has its own pirate radio station
• house ghost is Ida B. Wells. Justitopia at its best is the REAL SHIT.
• Fun Fact: Justitopia’s communal garden provides up to 45% of EAGLECREST’s vegetable supply. With the help of a simple avian translation spell, the many Rescue Chickens living in the Freedom Hutchery may also volunteer to donate their unfertilized eggs.

LAXDISICK: 

• values: affluence, ambition, broery
• animal: 
• 
• colors: seersucker
• 
• house is located in TEDDY BROSEVELT, right in the monocle. Has outdoor and indoor badminton courts. 
• house ghost is Zack Morris.
• Fun Fact: a small door located behind Laxdisick’s F. Scott Fitzgerald Memorial Bathroom opens into the guest bedroom of some dude’s stepdad’s house on the Vineyard. It is always 1:30pm and partly sunny, and there is always an open sign-up spot for beer pong. Students who attempt to stay at the house for more than an hour, however, are struck with a gradually incapacitating lockjaw and eventually forced to leave.

SHRUGSTAGRAM: 

• values: chill
• animal:
• 
• colors: Mood Ring
• 
• house is located in George Washington’s nose because it’s closest to the main entrance. Every surface is guaranteed nappable. Best Wifi reception in all of EAGLECREST.
• House Ghost: Walt Whitman.
• Fun fact: the password to Shrugstagram House (“Uh what?”) has not been changed since 1973.

Listen, I know “JK Rowling” has some “ideas” about the “American Hogwarts,” but I assume that’s just because she doesn’t know about EAGLECREST, which is located inside Mount Rushmore and led by Headmaster Joe Biden

Ol’ Hoss? Diamond Joe? Nobody calls him Headmaster, he’s too hip to the kids for that formal title shit these days. Here, you just pull on up to the hot tub in Big Ted’s flavor-savor ‘stache, and he’ll crack you open a Brewski, lil’ mama.

This is correct. Also if he ever has to take points from your house, Diamond Joe takes your face between both of his hands and rests his forehead gently against yours and says, “You can do better, champ.” There are almost no repeat offenders.